08.22.2023~ Self-Love Writing Prompt

"Think back to your childhood, and write down a conversation you wish a parent of guardian had with you that would have made all the difference."

Dear Six-Year-Old-Michele: I know this is hard for you, me meeting a new man and getting married again. He is really stern, and sometimes, even angry, and I know that scares you and makes you feel like you have to protect yourself, so you use your words, because that's all you have. (That's all you'll ever have, honestly, but we can talk about that another time.) But when you speak up to defend yourself, he calls you a "smart mouth," and he turns to me to discipline you, and then I'm in the middle. I can't win. I want so desperately for you and he to get along. I want stability, security, a life where we don't have to worry about how to pay the bills, where I won't have to sneak our garbage in with the neighbor's because I couldn't afford to pay the $7 trash collection bill. I'm scared, too. I think I know this man, and that I love him, but sometimes he makes me nervous and I worry about the future. I'm trying, so hard, to make a good life for you, for you to have all that you need, and this is the best way, the only way, I know how to do that. But I don't expect you to understand. You're so young, and have already been moved around a lot, and have had two last names already, and now we're talking about "adoption" and you'll change your name..again. You're not even sure what that means, and it's being made out to be such a big deal, and you know it must be important because we are going to court, and maybe the judge will ask you if this is what YOU want. Do you want Albert to be your "father?" That question feels powerful, even though you don't understand why, so you hold that little question in your mind, mulling it over, rolling around the answer on your tongue. What happens if you say, "no?" Will he go away, leaving us to our life before? When you had me to yourself, when you got to climb into my bed when you were scared and didn't have to worry about whether or not he would approve. When our dog Heidi got live inside the house with us, before you watched him drag her out from under the bed and curse when she bit him, then toss her outside and tie her up in the back yard where she lived for the rest of her 11 years. Before him, when it was just the "two of us," when I stayed up late to sew us dresses, yours with matching shorts because that's the only way you'll wear a dress. When I went on dates but you almost always came along, and at the end of the night the man would go home and it would, once again, be just us. You & me. If you say,"yes", to the judge, then what? Will he suddenly transform into the kind, loving father than you've always wanted? Will he come home from work smiling, grab you in a hug and call you, "Kitten" like the dads you see on TV? Maybe he'll never raise his voice again, shame or chastise you, snap at you for the littlest things, making you quake in fear when he walks in the door at night. Perhaps he won't call your favorite Mr. Rogers a "sissy" just because he's loving and soft spoken.

The truth is, Michele, I don't know. I'm putting a lot of my hopes & dreams into this marriage, too, because I just want to be done dating, wishing, hoping, worrying. I'm going to do my best this time, but no matter what happens, it's not your fault. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, and no matter how hard things have been at times, no matter what happens in the future, I am so happy that I had you, and I wouldn't change that for the world. I don't have all of the answers, my love, but I will tell you this: no matter what, it will still always be you & me. I'll support you, and defend you and if we're not happy, if he isn't nice to us, I will follow through on what I've always told you: 'I can get another man, but there is only one you.' I love you. I choose you."

~E.Michele